


Breaking News

by kotka212



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, i think this might be, story told almost entirely through gossip columns, unreliable narrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28132482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotka212/pseuds/kotka212
Summary: A collection of excerpts from:Coruscanti Buzz (Your source for the hottest interspecies sex tips, celebrity gossip, and trending topics).Oya! Magazine (By Mandalorians. For Mandalorians. About Mandalorians. All articles translated from the original Mando'a by the editor).heTUURam (Hottest tips and stories of the day, selected for the bored warrior! Perfectly formatted for display on your HUD!)and more!Now with additional relevant press releases and official missives.  This collection is organized in a way that will tell a story.
Relationships: Jango Fett/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 256
Kudos: 740





	1. Chapter 1

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

**From the office of the Mand’alor:**

Former Mand’alor Jaster Mereel has been defeated in a duel with his son and heir, our new Mand’alor Jango Fett. This duel was not unexpected and represents an honorable transfer of power in line with our long and glorious tradition. Jaster would like to express his great confidence in Jango’s abilities as a leader. He believes that in his advancing age it is best for the people of Mandalore that a new leader step forward. Other duties permitting, the former Mand’alor will serve in an advisory capacity to his successor. 

Once again, the previous Mand'alor, Jaster Mereel, would like to emphasize that this was a routine transfer of power. As is appropriate, the duel was witnessed by his council. Footage will be released later today.

* * *

**Oya! Magazine**

This morning, Jaster Mereel was defeated in the traditional duel for the title of Mand’alor. The victor, our new Mand’alor, is his son Jango Fett.

According to an unnamed official witness, the battle might have been expected but it certainly wasn’t just for show. “It was absolutely vicious,” they said. “I can’t give you all the details just yet, but I can tell you someone got their nose broken, and the Darksaber saw some action.” According to palace security, footage of the fight will be broadcast later this morning. 

Our correspondent for the House of the Mand’alor, Tiy Viszla, says Jango Fett was seen this morning on his way to the training yard, after the battle for his title is said to have occurred. The veteran of Galidraan sported a black, swollen eye, but his nose appeared intact.

“The next step, of course,” says Tiy, “is to set up his own household. Let’s see, he’ll be starting to fill out his personal guard with his own warriors. He’ll probably redecorate a little bit, too. It’ll show we’ve had a regime change. But that isn’t the news our readers are waiting for! Yes, that’s right, he’ll be looking for a riduur.”

Alor’riduure traditionally manage the affairs of Mandalore while their spouse is away leading military campaigns. Because of the influence they will have over the Mand’alor’s reign, choice of a riduur has always been an important step in a Mand’alor’s push to establish his legacy. “I think Jango will be looking for someone calm and patient,” says Tiy Viszla. “Someone who embodies the ferocity of the Mandalorian people as well as our new leader will need a force to balance him out.”

This would be an opportune moment for our government to finally bring its long-rumored plans to ally with the Republic to fruition. It might be too early to say for sure, but there’s a good chance his spouse will come from outwith the Mandalorian system, and possibly even from Republic space. Whether the people will accept this remains to be seen.

* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Brand-new Mandalorian leader Jango Fett confirms he’s looking to get hitched!**

_In a conversation this morning with Oya! Magazine, Jango Fett finally admitted he’s looking for The One.. and it’s not who you were expecting!_

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

OK, so we talk about a lot of stoic, handsome Mandos on this site, but we’ve got to admit Jango Fett, former prince and just-crowned ruler, is totally top of the heap. Need evidence? Check out these articles from the past month.

Six hottest princes, warlords, and leaders from outside Republic space 

_Totally savage, totally sexy, totally unbound by our laws!_

Can you guess the Mandalorian hottie just by looking at their helmet? 

_If you don’t get #7 right, are you even a Fandalorian?_

So here’s exactly how to unbuckle beskar 

_You know, just in case._

Now that you’re in the right frame of mind, here’s the big news: Jango Fett has finally succeeded adoptive father Jaster Mereel as King of the Mandos! But this young, strong warrior isn’t just poised to take over an empire, he’s also ready to build a family.

Rumor is he’s planning a terribly romantic proposal to one of our very own Senators, and I’m sure betting pools are springing up all across the levels of Coruscant already. But don’t bet all your credits: he’s famously unpredictable. While I’m sure we’re all hoping to watch the broadcast of his wedding to Senator Chuchi, (click here for traditional Pantoran wedding inspiration) we can’t rule out anyone yet. And Fett is a secretive one: unlike most in the public eye, he’s never had a confirmed romantic liaison… or even an unconfirmed one! With looks like his, it can’t be for lack of offers, either, and with standards as high as Jango’s must be we can’t wait to see what his better half will be like!

Now if you’re anything like me, you’re already planning his wedding to you… not that you’d admit it to anyone. Follow this link to learn about Mandalorian wedding customs!

**Top news stories for you**

Top 20 shocking revelations about a REAL Jedi Master’s sex life 

_Ki-Adi-Mundi finally speaks out._

Six Gungan recipes that’ll make everyone say “Yousa so skinny!” 

_The diet Jar Jar Binks swears by._

You’ll never guess what’s really under all that fur! 

_The dangerous curves Wookiees have been hiding all along_

* * *

The reader pauses on the recommended stories, then scrolls up to the last paragraph. He forwards the article to the top contact in his comm. Then he clicks on the link to the article about Mandalorian wedding customs.

* * *

**Five things to know before you marry a Mandalorian**

_It’s not all big strong arms and beskar bling! There’s definitely going to be some of that too, though._

Ralon Mro for Coruscanti Buzz

  * **Family first. Always.**



You thought you could feud with the in-laws? Cute. Everyone is going to be one big happy family whether they like it or not.

  * **Yes, he has to get married in the helmet. Yes, that head touch thing is supposed to count as a kiss. No, this is not negotiable.**



Apparently it’s called a Keldabe kiss, and it’s convenient for showing affection with the Big Beskar Hat on. Don’t worry, though, you can kiss him any way you like all the rest of the time.

  * **It’s your big day, but it’s his big family.**



You know when he guessed at family size last time and you thought there’s no way it’s that big? Yeah. Double that for the wedding. He’s going to invite everyone he’s ever seen in person, and they’re all going to bring friends.

  * **Someone’s going to lose some teeth. To minimize mess, try to anticipate who it is.**



There will be a fight. Whether or not you serve alcohol (and the family will expect you to), it will be drunken. If you catch it early, you can move it outside so it won’t destroy your reception, but you can’t stop it from happening.

  * **He can dance.**



Did your fiancé tell you the first dance was no big deal? Don’t trust him. Mandalorian dances are as complex and important as their fights are, and honestly they can sometimes look pretty similar. Showing up unrehearsed is the best way to get off on the wrong foot with your new family.

**Read more**

Unmissable ceremonies for your bucket list

_Six of the hottest sex rites (that DON'T involve sentient sacrifice) from around the Galaxy. Are you ready for the holidays on Jedha?_

Official retraction of an article from our travel archives

_Coruscanti Buzz would like to apologize for recommending the Worm People's spawning ceremony to travelers through Wild Space. Devouring mates was not mentioned to our foreign correspondent._

* * *

Several hours later, a missive is beamed out towards Mandalorian space.

* * *

**From the desk of Grandmaster Yoda:**

Fett,

It’s time we repair the relationship between your people and ours, don’t you think?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's news: Mandalorians on Coruscant! Jedi on Concord Dawn! Also: Css Vasssk talks sexy Council members for Coruscanti Buzz.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for all the comments!!!! I totally lose it every time I notice someone's left one. Kind of shocking to think someone's actually reading this stuff.

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Jango Fett seen on Coruscant**

_The Mand’alor, crowned only one week ago, was seen on Coruscant just this morning on unspecified business._

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

Fett wore traditional beskar as he stepped out on the upper levels of Coruscant, and was surrounded by similarly dressed warriors. His destination was unclear, and I was (forcefully) discouraged from following him on foot.

A surveillance droid can place Fett in a local diner a little after dusk. He arrived alone, but on his way out footage shows he was accompanied by a mysterious hooded figure, whose slim but strong build and graceful walk left little doubt as to her identity: Fett’s mysterious beau must be Padmé Amidala, the beautiful senator from Naboo! This would come as a shock to most of the Senate: she’s always been committed to politics over personal life. But then, if the rumors are true, one night with a Mandalorian is more than enough to make someone rethink their life.

The owner of the establishment Fett and his companion were seen entering wouldn’t confirm the identity of any patrons, but did let it slip that he occasionally dabbles in Mandalorian cuisine-- only off-menu, though! Sounds like a discreet, romantic place for a date.

**Related:** Coruscanti Besalisk-owned businesses we think you should support 

Everyone knows Mandalorians like more than just their partners hot as a lightsaber’s blade. Mando food is incredibly spicy, which is just one reason it’s so hard to get authentic versions of their favorite dishes here on Coruscant. If you want to understand what Senator Amidala is going through as she integrates with her future husband’s people, I suggest paying a visit to  Little Mandalore , located in the interplanetary district of Coruscant’s second level.

**More from Css Vasssk**

Why it’s too early to cancel Count Dooku 

_Yes, even though he left the Jedi Order. It’s not like that makes him evil, right?_

Is this too far? 

_This Trandoshan holonet celeb is selling her shed skin to the highest bidder!_

* * *

**Oya! Magazine**

In an unexpected break from our norms, a Jedi was allegedly spotted on Concord Dawn over the weekend. His business was unclear, and while he admittedly did not hurt anyone his presence caused great consternation among some of the citizens.

“If Fett thinks he can allow this sort of thing, he’s got another think coming,” said Silas Awaud, a local farmer. “I know we’re not at war with the Jedi these days, but that doesn’t mean we ought to let them in our towns. You know I saw the little beast halfway onto the roof? I wonder if Fett knows it got up there, huh?” This seems to be a popular opinion, particularly among more rural communities: rumors are already flying about what the Jedi could have been up to. Silas’ wife, Miyam, claimed she personally saw the Jedi sabotage her niece’s Z-6 jetpack. A check of the pack’s functions revealed no evident issues.

Not everyone we interviewed held the same views, though. In a rare interview with Satine Kryze, the famously controversial pacifist daughter of House Kryze, she pointed out that the Jedi has done nothing yet. “We should not expect harm from a visitor who has shown no inclination to attack us,” she said in an informal conversation with Oya! Magazine.

Most witnesses say the Jedi was small, elderly, and green. He hobbled about with the use of a cane, but openly carried his lightsaber. It’s unclear how dangerous this makes him (the cane may be a clever diversion), but it is our recommendation that children not be allowed out unarmed until we have more information, particularly in rural areas. A series of reports from a single settlement located on Concord Dawn’s third moon claims the Jedi came to their farm and swallowed some of their livestock whole. While uncorroborated, this is an alarming report, and can’t be discounted entirely.

If you have footage of the Jedi on Concord Dawn, get in contact on our  tip frequency. 

**More news for you**

More dangerous than a Jedi 

_Why Dooku poses a danger to Mandalore now that he doesn’t follow a code._

* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Hunky monks: ranking the Jedi Council from most to least sexy**

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

  * **Kit Fisto**



I think we all know why. So. Many. Tentacles. And they all seem prehensile! Even if he didn’t have that going for him, though, there’s enough footage of him stripping off that he’s just plain earned top slot. Also, I’ve heard he reads these articles. Comm me.

  * **Shaak Ti**



No Council member is more distinguished-looking than Shaak Ti. There’s just something about those montrals and those robes that gets me. I’m not sure it’s sexy, exactly, just that having her acknowledge my existence is my ultimate fantasy.

  * **Obi-Wan Kenobi**



Longtime readers of mine will know how weird I feel about being so into something with hair. I couldn’t take him home to my family on Trandosha, but I think we’ve all got a fantasy involving him (even if it’s a guilty pleasure).

  * **Saesee Tiin**



What can I say? There’s something about Iktotchi that gets me horny (okay, okay, bad joke). On a more serious note, Saesee’s the size of a wampa. Amazing.

  * **Mace Windu**



He scares me, but in a sexy way.

  * **Ki-Adi-Mundi**



On the one hand, binary brain. On the other hand, binary brain. I’m sure he’d be attentive to a partner’s needs, but are you really ready to give up angry, heat-of-the-moment sex forever? He would probably also understand me to a really uncomfortable degree.

  * **Eeth Koth**



Not going to do another horny joke, but I want you to know that I know it could be made. Even though he has less hair than Kenobi, I can’t make myself get past it here, which is why I’ve ranked him so low.

  * **Depa Billaba**



In theory, I’m into her. If I ever actually met her, I’m pretty sure she would tell me to shape up, and then I’d have to go get my life together to stop her looking so disappointed.

  * **Plo Koon**



Everyone knows Kel Dorins have psychic abilities! I’ve often wished my partners just _knew_ what was working for me, and that dream becomes a reality with Master Plo Koon. But.. everything is toxic to his species and you can’t take off the mask. Not sexy.

  * **Yoda**



I won’t make you think about it. That being said, can’t rank him last.

  * **Even Piell**



Nothing intrinsically wrong with Even Piell, but he is very small. I would squash him like a bug.

  * **Coleman Trebor**



Who?

**More from Css Vasssk**

I’m just gonna say it. Dooku’s kind of sexy. Change my mind. 

_And he’s only gotten hotter now that he’s left the Order._

The Senate’s 10 worst dressed members 

_And why they’re all Chancellor Palpatine_


	3. Chapter 3

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Affordable wedding traditions from around the galaxy**

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

With the recent arrival of Jango Fett on Coruscant, we’re sure everyone’s drawing up plans for their own engagement. But unless you’re lucky enough to live on our upper levels, chances are slim that you’ll be able to offer your intended precious gems or jewelry. If you need a creative way to mark your union, here are some romantic foreign wedding traditions from around the Galaxy.

**Trandosha**

I know I’ll get letters if I don’t mention my home planet here, and honestly that’s the only reason I’m going to mention it. If I’d gone through with typical Trandoshan engagement gifts, I’d have brought my wife, Vhal’ind’akkh, the carcass of the most impressive species I could-- a rancor or a rathtar would have been quite a gesture, but the ultimate prize is a sentient of some kind, preferably a rare or dangerous one like a Chiss. Then we would have taxidermied it together, and it would have been a centerpiece in our hunting lodge.

While I don’t recommend actually using this idea (I promise, it’s smelly and unromantic), there are some good ideas behind it. Trandoshan wedding gifts are meant to show how capable you are, and nothing is sexier than competence! This custom has the added benefit of bringing family together. Maybe you should consider bringing your parents in on choosing the gift, which can make your day extra special!

**Csilla**

The Chiss are a secretive people and really don’t like their customs being common knowledge. Luckily for my readers, my wife is a Chiss woman, and we used her homeworld’s traditions in our wedding. Don’t worry, I ran this part of the article past her several times! Here’s what I am allowed to tell you: the ceremony took place in the snow, which was absolutely beautiful (yes, it took some planning to deal with my ectothermy), and she handmade me a gift I use every day. Not very specific, I know, but I think you can take some inspiration from it: if your partner’s a mechanic, for instance, have a set of tools cast for him. Maybe put your names on them. It’ll be a sweet reminder of your love when he might be getting distracted.

**Ryloth**

On Ryloth, couples celebrate their marriage by adding symbols for their spouse to the family kalikori, a totem of their ancestors passed down through generations. This shows that their new husband or wife is now a part of the history of their lineage, and it can be a very emotional occasion!

So they can be sure the wedding goes smoothly, a married friend usually dresses as the bride on the morning of the ceremony and rides off in the opposite direction of the groom. The origins of this tradition are unclear, but various stories say it is either intended to lead bad spirits away from the ceremony or to deceive slavers who might be attempting to capture Twi’lek women before the wedding.

**Stewjon**

If you ask me, the Stewjoni people have blended tradition, practicality, and a love for loth-cats perfectly. Newlyweds are given loth-cats or similar small predators at their wedding: the resulting dynasty of pets protects their crops from vermin and offers companionship to their children as they grow. 

If a loth-cat isn’t practical for where you live, consider another animal. Larger breeds of akk-dog are popular guards on the lower levels of Coruscant, and can even be trained to hunt for themselves! Bringing another life-form into your home is an important step in establishing your new household.

**Iridonia**

Zabrak weddings would probably seem incredibly exciting to any of us! The night before the wedding, the bride traditionally kidnaps the groom. Then, his friends have to hunt the pair of them down and take him home to get ready for the proper ceremony the next day. Rather than exchange items, they do something a little more permanent there: Zabrak get traditional wedding tattoos, which can be very big and cover most of the torso. More extreme couples will even give them to each other (but I don’t think anyone would be judgmental if you get a professional in).

**Mandalore**

When Mandalorians say the _riduurok_ , their version of our wedding vows, they typically exchange a piece of their armor. It seems that in cases where that’s impractical (differences in species or size between the partners, for instance) they will instead exchange a weapon, typically one that is expected to last a lifetime. Plain, practical beskar knives seem a common choice-- if I was marrying a Mando, I’d ask for a little decoration on my present, though! Mandalorian weddings aren't usually very elaborate, and most attendees wear their armor. According to our Mandalorian correspondent, the most expensive part of her wedding was all the beer her guests drank-- as the evening wore on, sometimes even out of their helmets!

In light of recent events, I’m sure you’re wondering what happens when a Mandalorian marries someone who isn’t a warrior. Here’s what I have to say to that: so am I! I haven’t been able to find a single case of it in our records, which means Jango Fett is already breaking taboos just a couple weeks into his reign. Watch this space for updates on how he chooses to show his commitment.

  
  


**More news for you**

[Today's Dear Drei](https://helixae.tumblr.com/post/638216993818935296/todays-dear-drei)

_I still love my estranged family, but they won’t give me updates!_

Seven scandalous secrets you won’t believe the Jedi are hiding 

_Master Yoda did WHAT??_

Clo-aching for it... 

_Six unmissable ways to sexually excite your reptilian partner! Cloacas don’t need to be a mystery._

* * *

  
  


Someone sets his mug down on the side table and taps the screen of his data pad. The article saves. He is about to move on to another topic when his companion embraces him from behind, and he startles. The mug falls to the floor and shatters, which is just _perfect._

  
  


* * *

**heTUURam**

**Four simple tips every successful Mandalorian knows**

  * **Nothing’s sexier than confidence**



Sentients of almost any species and gender like to see someone who knows their abilities and their worth. Decide what you want in life and in love, and make it clear you don’t settle for less.

  * **If you’re going to start a fight, do a good job of it**



If you’ve decided the only way to be promoted is to defeat your superior officer in combat, don’t try to catch him by surprise. You won’t make any friends that way, and you might not even have witnesses to your win. Instead, formally challenge him. The same principle applies in the home: are you and your wife arguing? Don’t let resentment simmer and poison your relationship. Take her out to the training grounds and settle what color you’ll paint the kitchen once and for all!

  * **Maintain your flexibility**



When you’re in the air, your life might depend on your ability to turn on a dime. Don’t worry what your enemies might say if they find out you do yoga: it could be the thing that lets you live long enough to spit on their graves. 

  * **Watch your posture**



Even if you’re not paying attention (there’s a reason we write this for display in a helmet), always look alert. Stand up straight, hand on your weapon. Half of guard duty is how intimidating you look.

**More articles**

Work with your armor, not around it. 

_Beskar doesn’t need to get in the way of intimacy_

How to get him calling you ‘alor in bed 

_Don’t worry, everyone has that fantasy_

An interview with Savage Opress 

_How he gained 80 pounds of pure muscle with one easy Dark ritual!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all your comments! Someone asked me how Dooku felt about all this nonsense, and (if I've done my HTML right) you should now be able to find out. Also, heTUURam is a dumbass pun on the Mando'a words for hot/spicy and day, general vibe being 'hot news of the day'. Thanks to someone on Discord for the original idea!


	4. Chapter 4

**TOP PRIORITY**

**From the desk of Jaster Mereel**

Hello Council,

A lovely planet, this is! Many sand dunes, there are, and very few plants. Though devastated by war, some rivers yet flow, and pleasant and welcoming the people are. Many places, there are, which could be suitable for a temple or training-ground. To train with Jedi, the local younglings would be more than willing. 

If Young Kenobi still feels that to advance with the proposed deal, the will of the Force is, then agree I do. Traps laid by the Mandalorian government, there have not been. Clear, the Force is here.

Respond to this frequency, please do not. Clear my use of this official communications network, I did not. Eaten by a great creature, my own comm unit was, so snuck into Mereel's office, I have.

Jaster Mereel

_ Former Mand’alor and advisor to the current Mand’alor _

_ Royal Palace Complex, Concord Dawn _

_ All incoming missives are checked for malware. Don’t try it. _

* * *

**Oya! Magazine**

A second Jedi on Mandalore? It seems impossible, and under Jaster Mereel it never would have been tolerated. One Jedi is far more than enough strain placed on our rural communities. Over the last weeks, the poking and prying of the little green Jedi have only gotten more blatant, and his intentions are as unclear as ever. He has continued to be spotted in rural villages all over Concord Dawn, and the rumors have only grown more incredible. Only two klicks from where Miyam Awaud allegedly saw him sabotage her niece’s jetpack, another small farm blames him for the disappearance of their blurrg. Local law enforcement says the theft is likely the fault of rustlers passing through town, but the farmers aren’t convinced.

“They’re both reptilian, right?” the victim of the blurrg theft asked our reporter. “The Jedi. And the Blurrg. The Jedi’s definitely green, I don’t know what that says about him, maybe he got in the animals’ heads with his mind tricks.” At press time, the missing Blurrg had been found unharmed near a local riverbed-- but it should be noted that this doesn’t necessarily prove the Jedi’s innocence!

The second Jedi is reportedly human, or at least humanoid. He wears traditional, easily-identifiable Jedi robes, and has pale skin and reddish hair, and has been tentatively identified by our experts as Obi-Wan Kenobi. While his greater size may make him more of a threat than the first Jedi to arrive on Concord Dawn, he also appears to be supervised much more closely. This means that Fett must recognize the danger, at least to a degree.

Kenobi was seen last Taungsday at a local market, accompanied by Fett himself. The pair reportedly visited a local carpet seller, and although they were out for at least five hours no other shops have come forward to say Kenobi and his companion visited them.

Although Jango Fett is doubtless a great warrior, we at Oya! Magazine wonder if he’s really enough to subdue a fully grown Jedi on his own without causing property damage. We’d like to recommend the addition of a small team of guards on any future excursions out-- but more than that, we’d like the palace to announce their purpose in having Kenobi here! Is he a prisoner or a guest, and should we be worried?

**More news for you**

Have you been injured when your armor malfunctioned?

_ You may be entitled to personal injury compensation. _

  
  


* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Chaos on Coruscant**

_ A Jedi nearly brings the upper levels down on our heads… again. _

**Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz**

Anakin Skywalker might be a newly minted Jedi Knight, but he’s causing trouble like an old pro! Residents of the sixth level probably heard last night’s high-speed chase near the Temple district. Well, lucky us: no drugs or Hutts this time!

Anakin Skywalker took his speeder in a series of dangerously fast laps of the temple late last night, pursued by a speeder bearing the symbol of the Coruscanti Guard. Incredibly, there were no crashes, but traffic was at a standstill for nearly an hour in that section of Coruscant while the Jedi were doing… whatever it was they were doing.

When Skywalker got off his speeder, he initially refused to talk to the press. When pushed for answers, he said something about “blowing off a little steam.” While the Togruta woman who had been driving the Coruscanti Guard speeder (either to apprehend him or to offer aid in whatever the project was) appeared to support this statement at the time, I did hear her say something about a tantrum as they turned to walk away.

According to the Jedi council, Skywalker was trying to chase down a criminal, and will face no charges for obstructing traffic. Master Jedi Mace Windu assured the people of Coruscant that “something like this will  _ not  _ be allowed to happen again. No matter how many criminals Skywalker is after. And if he  _ does _ do this again, he  _ will _ face consequences.” There was something about his tone that made me think of my mother’s lectures (“Don’t try to chew your meat at the table! If you can’t choke it down, you need to tear off smaller pieces!”). I’m pretty sure every single reporter in the press pool felt the impulse to apologize to him.

**More news for you**

Twelve local disasters you forgot were Skywalker’s fault

_ Everything from rabies to riots to releasing rancors _

Fertility drugs gone wrong!

_ Nautolan woman accidentally spawns surprise brood of eighteen _

Lekku Language

_ What those lekku twitches REALLY mean… are they talking behind your back? _

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	5. Chapter 5

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

**From the office of the Mand’alor:**

The transfer of power to Jango Fett is going smoothly. Questions have been raised about his recent trip to Coruscant, and numerous allegations about its purpose have been made in the press. This administration would like to remind reporters that no official statement has been made regarding this trip and that all stories published are based only on speculation.

We can now confirm that Mand’alor Jango Fett indeed plans to wed in the coming weeks. The offer of marriage has been made and accepted, and the identity of our future alor’riduur will be officially released to the press in the coming days. It has so far been protected to allow Jango and his partner to celebrate in peace, and we ask the people of Concord Dawn to respect that.

Over the next week, any uninvited reporters found encroaching on palace grounds will be shot. This is your only warning.

* * *

Message transmitted 0800 hours Coruscanti Upper Time

Intended Recipient: Vhal’ind’akkh, housing unit 124c, Sector 2, level 2

Hi, Linda, sweetie! 

I know you’re probably not thrilled with me right now, and your feelings are completely valid. I totally promised I would stop chasing down stories without telling you first, but my editor said they’d send me to the Mandalorian system! It’s so rare to be actually invited there, but apparently they have connections, so I have special permission. I’ll even be staying on the palace grounds. Also, they said if I didn’t go, I’d be assigned to the travel column, and after what happened to the last reporter on that beat I’m trying to avoid it (that reminds me, I said we’d visit Ralon in the hospital, can you take him balloons or something? Love you!)

Back soon. I promise not to touch any weapons and to call you for help if anyone challenges me to a fight! Don’t worry about sending me the shopping list, I grabbed it on the way out.

Lots of love,

Css

* * *

**heTUURam**

**FAQ: Jango Fett edition**

Everyone’s been curious about Mand’alor Jango Fett. In fact, he’s been one of the most searched topics on your HUDs this week. Here are the answers to the most commonly searched queries about him, including a few exclusive quotes from Myles, his captain of the guard and close personal friend.

**How tall is Jango Fett?**

5 feet 7 inches according to the Ori’Ramikade database. 

_Myles says:_ “Short as shit, but with the energy of a much bigger man.”

**Where is Jango Fett from?**

Jango Fett was born here on Concord Dawn, and was adopted as a foundling by Jaster Mereel. Jaster has never specified why he chose Jango, but he’s said it has nothing to do with his ability as a warrior.

**What is Jango Fett’s favorite ship?**

His personal vessel Slave 1 is a Firespray 31-class patrol and attack craft. According to Myles, it’s heavily customized. Modifications include an upgraded weapons system, sensor array, and independent artificial gravity fields on each deck.

 _Myles says:_ “He’s also put in some cabins for long-term living. The bunks are very comfortable for him, and the top six feet of my body really likes them too. Leaves the feet a bit cold, though. I’m hoping the publication of this article shames him into installing better furniture.”

**Why was Jango Fett on Coruscant?**

Well, it’s Coruscant. So he’s not there for the culture or the company. Rumors of political negotiations have been flying, and he’s probably doing at least a little business if he’s taking a trip so early into his reign.

**Who is Jango Fett marrying?**

No confirmation yet-- all we know is there’s definitely a special someone! The Core Worlds gossip magazine Coruscanti Buzz claims it saw him out to dinner with Senator Amidala, and there’s been speculation about his relationship to Senator Riyo Chuchi of Pantora.

 _Myles says:_ “Look, it’s all nonsense. I’ve never heard of either of those people. I am going to scare the skin off that karking lizard if I see him again.”

**Read more from heTUURam: swimsuit edition**

This year’s cover creature 

_Her tentacles literally have minds of their own!_

Barely Beskar 

_Super-hot, super-impractical armor looks that you shouldn’t think too hard about actually wearing into battle. Why are they leaving their entire torso unguarded?_

* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Update: my journey to Mandalore**

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

After the Mandalorian government finally confirmed Jango Fett’s marriage is taking place in the next week, my editors are sending me to the Mandalorian world of Concord Dawn to attend the event. My special access will make sure this paper is the first in the Core Worlds to publish the details of Jango Fett’s engagement, so watch this space!

My editor called me at 0500 hours to tell me I had passage on a small Mandalorian ship leaving just one hour later, and that I’ll be staying on the grounds of the Mand’alor’s complex on Concord Dawn in official press accommodation.

We landed outside the Fett home on Concord Dawn in the early evening, and I was greeted by yet more huge, silent warriors in beskar. At this point, it was all starting to feel a little bit ominous, so I was definitely glad to reach my room! It’s small but well-set-up, with a comfortable bed and a view over the local town. Although I could hear the river running just on the other side of my wall, I wasn’t allowed out to see: apparently the Mand’alor was enjoying an evening by the river! Exact details of his activities aren’t available, but the drunken yelling I heard made it seem more like a bachelor party than a romantic picnic. 

I’m just as anxious as you are to confirm the identity of Fett’s fiancé, but they take security seriously here! I haven’t seen any of the big Mandalorian names since my arrival. I can offer one clue, though: the ship I arrived on was transporting a small supply of exotic tea, presumably intended for Fett's unidentified partner. After all, Mandalorians famously prefer shig, and I doubt any of them would be caught dead specially importing Core Worlds drinks. Although the tea isn't a certain sign, it points away from Senator Chuchi: Pantorans tend not to drink tea. Does this mean it's definitely Senator Amidala, or could it be someone else? Mirialans produce some of the best teas in the galaxy, so it makes sense that they might want that little taste of home. A member of the small, wealthy Mirialan population on Coruscant has posted a series of photos on his personal holosite that some believe implies Fett came all that way to Coruscant just for him. Only time will tell.

**More news for you**

Top tips from Hondo Ohnaka 

_How he became best friends with the entire Jedi High Council, especially Mace Windu_

Senate Snapshots 

_Six photos of Chancellor Palpatine that’ll make you say “That’s not Chancellor Palpatine, that’s a shriveled meiloorun.” Or is it?_

Statement from the editors 

_We do not currently accept threats to our writers. We have no plans to replace the author of the Dear Drei column, and [...]_


	6. Chapter 6

**Oya! Magazine**

In advance of the wedding of the Mand’alor, our correspondent on Concord Dawn, Tiy Viszla, has taken her microphone out into the streets to see what the local population thinks of all this excitement. A transcript of some of her conversations is included below (click  here for the full holo).

Our first interview was with Qi Srivi, a chef who had traveled all the way from Sundari to help cater the reception.

 **Tiy:** This must be an exciting opportunity to practice your craft!

 **Qi:** Actually, I’ve mostly found it stressful. Did you know the menu was all planned out, everything was perfect, and then they told me they’d need a milder option as well? Fewer spices? I’ve had to revamp half my recipes for a Core Worlds palate! And one guest wants her meat raw, and I’ve got no idea if that's even safe.

 **Tiy:** Have you had a chance to mix with any of the wedding attendees?

 **Qi:** Yes, and almost all of them seem nice enough. Even the ones who aren’t Mandalorian, who I’m sure any of us would be suspicious of. Most of them have absolutely no clue what's happening, but at least they’re trying to understand. And the fiancé actually seems familiar with Mandalorian ways, which is a nice surprise.

Not everyone on Concord Dawn is preoccupied with wedding jitters, though. We spoke to Miyam Awaud, an elderly farmer living in a rural area close by.

 **Tiy:** Is Concord Dawn normally so busy?

 **Miyam:** No! I tell you what, this all started when the little green monster showed up. I knew it was no good, I told my husband Silas so, and he listened, which is how I knew it was serious. He never listens to me. Anyhow, we saw the creature the day he came into town! I told Esther, that’s my sister, I told her hide the kids, and I guess she did but she didn’t take in the blurrg, did she! And I heard the little creature ate them _alive_.

 **Tiy:** Sorry, is this to do with the Mand’alor’s wedding?

 **Miyam:** Manda, I hope not! Couldn’t hold that little green thing still long enough to marry it, you should have seen it hop! Now maybe for the wedding supper. My Silas, he says give him a blaster and he’ll take care of it, but his eyesight’s not what it was. He'd be more a danger to himself than anything.

 **Tiy:** But what do you think of the wedding? Are you excited?

 **Miyam:** Yes, yes, he seems like a nice young man. And I do love a wedding, particularly when I can celebrate without attending the ceremony first. I’ll be breaking out the good ale for this one.

Finally, we spoke to a mysterious cloaked man, who declined to give his name, as he exited the palace.

 **Tiy:** Are you here for the Mand’alor’s wedding?

 **Man:** No. I’m here for my, uh, friend’s wedding. He’s marrying some guy around here.

 **Tiy:** Oh? I didn’t know we had so much to celebrate!

 **Man:** I don’t trust him. And I don’t like it. Why does he wear armor if he isn’t going to attack us? If they have to do this, then he can come live with us instead of the other way around.

 **Tiy:** What's your friend's name?

 **Man:** [indistinguishable] --karking sleemo. I'm not saying anything else.

The man could not be persuaded to reveal more. But is this a sign that the Mand’alor’s future spouse is male? It certainly seems unlikely another beskar-clad warrior, living in the Mand’alor’s household, would be looking to marry so close to his leader’s own wedding! We'll be looking out for possible candidates in the coming days.

**More news for you**

How to beat a Jedi at their own game 

_Archaeology unveils the secret knowledge of Mandalore the Great!_

  
  


* * *

  
  


**heTUURam**

**Goodbye, glory days**

Now that a riduur has entered the picture, we think it’s time for a look back at our Mand’alor’s drunken, raucous, bounty-hunting single days at their best (or worst)? Here’s a reminder of our two favorite stories about Jango Fett’s mistakes.

Baby’s first bounty 

_“That’s my grandmother, not a vicious criminal!” Jango Fett FAILS his first bounty._

The first time Jango took his ship out alone, he was working for his father. Jaster had sent his son to retrieve someone he suspected of being a spy in his household, a Sullustan mechanic who had vanished after an attack on the Mand’alor’s life. Fett has never admitted how he was tricked into taking an elderly Ugnaught woman instead, but we imagine he was sent back to basic biology class after that mix-up.

The mechanic was never found; click  here  to see Concord Dawn’s wanted list.

Jango Fett’s big mistake 

_Embarrassing! The Mand’alor’s son burns down three blocks in Corellia’s red light district._

Fett must have forgotten that not every kind of alcohol is meant for humans! After returning a bounty, he stopped off to celebrate on Corellia. While all the footage of that night has been destroyed, all the witnesses agree that the fire was started by a poorly-aimed blast from one of Fett’s weapons. Anything to impress the pretty beings in the room, if you see our point.

* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Verde in Vogue**

_I style five Mandalorian statement pieces_

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

The first way you know I’ve gone totally native is that I’m using real Mando’a words in my headlines. Don’t worry, that’s the only one I’ve picked up so far: it means warrior or guard, as far as I can tell, and I heard it surprisingly often as I went shopping today! Mandalorian fashion is, in a word, metallic. Everything seems armor-focused, and there’s only so much I could find to fit me. So for the discerning traveler, here are five of the best and worst fashion options in Mandalorian space.

  * **The single shoulder guard: 5/10**



I loved this look when I saw it worn out in the market. There’s something so jaunty about the lack of symmetry, like you just came out of a fight, and the shine of your shoulder pad (pauldron?) really draws attention! Unfortunately, when I actually tried it on, I thought it looked a bit silly. Also, my arms felt a little unbalanced. Overall, I think it’s great style, but unfortunately not for me.

  * **The helmet: 0/10**



It’s the most iconic Mandalorian accessory! Unfortunately, it is not usually made for those of us with a bit of a snout. For that reason, it’s a no from me. If someone can show me the cooling system, fancy in-helmet data viewer, and sealing system without chopping off my nose, I’m prepared to change this to at least 100/10.

  * **Utility belt/fanny pack: 8/10**



A similar style is popular in the more fashionable Coruscanti districts, but the Mandos have taken it one farther and added pockets all the way around. You can undeniably hold more stuff in one of these, but I think they’ve lost some of the charm.

  * **The metal mini-backpack: 2/10**



Another one that looked super cute on the Mandalorians. Unfortunately, it’s heavy, expensive, and (rather than holding my odds and ends) is full of wiring and rocket fuel. I suppose I can see the practicality of a jet-pack, but it’s not really wedding attire.

  * **Boots and shin guards combo: 11/10**



So. Sexy. It’s all the appeal of metallic knee-high boots, but about half the effort to get into. And my claws were in no danger of ripping through the soles of the boot. Bonus points: add some knee pads (if you have knees)! I have no idea what my wife will think of these, but I’m not taking them off for the REST OF MY LIFE.

**Read more**

[ Today’s Dear Drei ](https://helixae.tumblr.com/post/638958060058116096/todays-dear-drei)

_Advice you can’t miss!_

How to sext when your partner reproduces asexually 

_How to deal with all their cloned offspring is another article._

Cutest. Loth-cat. Ever. 

_When her owner went on vacation, she followed… across hyperspace!_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You won't believe who Jango Fett agreed to marry! But are they really in love? Learn the latest.

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

**From the office of the Mand’alor:**

Fett’s intended spouse is Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, lately of the temple on Coruscant, currently of Concord Dawn. This union has been approved both by our government and by the Jedi Council, the governing body of Obi-Wan’s Order. It is the hope of both the Mand’alor and the Jedi that this union will be the start of an alliance which will benefit both our peoples. The Mand’alor and future Alor’riduur will be appearing for a press conference in front of the Mand’alor’s home at 1400 hours today. The conference will last a maximum of one hour: as we are sure you can understand, there is much to do before the wedding.

  
  


* * *

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Jango Fett’s husband has been revealed, and you won’t believe who it is!**

_This. Is. Insane._

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

Just this morning, an official press release from the office of the Mand’alor finally revealed who Jango Fett fell for. It’s not Senator Amidala. It’s not Senator Chuchi. It’s.. a Jedi?!?

If you don’t know much about Mandalorian history, trust me: this is completely crazy! The Mandalorians and the Jedi have apparently been upset with each other for hundreds of years. They’ve been off and on more times than the main couple in _Rotations of our Existences ,_ the hottest Twi’lek holodrama of the year. And right now, the two factions' alliance is definitely “on a break”. So who is Obi-Wan Kenobi, the other half of this unlikely star-crossed couple?

First off, he’s a Jedi Master (the third hottest, according to my official ranking). There are always rumors circulating that the Jedi don’t fall in love, but that’s not true. Ki-Adi-Mundi, the sixth hottest council member, has four wives-- sadly for the ladies of Coruscant, though, a recent interview says he isn’t currently taking applications. While you won’t find a Jedi looking for love in the clubs of Lower Coruscant, there’s certainly a precedent for them getting married.

Even though he says he’s not leaving, Obi-Wan comes from a Jedi line with a history of drama.  Xanatos du Crion  , who dramatically left the Jedi Order for Telos a few years ago, was trained by the same knight as Kenobi was. And that master, Qui-Gon Jinn, was trained by Count Dooku, who _also_ left the Order in a fit of rage , and was last seen months on his home planet, Serenno. And that’s not all! Kenobi’s trainee was none other than Anakin Skywalker, who is notorious for causing havoc on Coruscant. Even if Kenobi’s always seemed like the golden child, this might be his moment of rebellion!

**Related:** They say they’re happy, but how do the Jedi REALLY feel about Kenobi’s marriage? 

Not too much is known about Kenobi’s personal life, so I’ve put together a quick fact file with all the gossip we have on him. Warning: only read on if you’re prepared to get weirdly emotionally attached.

  * He drinks six cups of tea a day. Is this for hydration? Is he trying to quit stimulants? Not sure, but his skin looks great and this might be why!
  * There was a rumor about his relationship to Satine Kryze, the Duchess of Mandalore. It’s pretty clear he’s got a type, and that type is Mandalorian!
  * He’s apparently one of the best defensive fighters in the Order. And even if you don’t know much about swordplay, I’m sure you can appreciate how good he looks with a lightsaber.
  * His mullet landed him on my Weirdest Mammalian Fashions list three years ago. Ew.
  * According to his Padawan, he’s a terrible singer… so bad that he was never in the Temple choir as a youngling. But he still does his best in the fresher.



Hopefully, this step into a public life on Concord Dawn will lead to us learning a lot more about Obi-Wan!

**Read more**

Here: have holos of all your favorite Jedi as babies 

_And a traditional woodcut of Master Yoda_

Coruscant’s hottest club is Levels. 

_It has everything: businesslike squid, heavy meditation music, and a suspiciously committed Kit Fisto impersonator._

[Dear Drei](https://helixae.tumblr.com/post/639133389625212928/todays-dear-drei)

_How can I tell someone really loves me?_

* * *

**Oya! Magazine**

Scandal in the Mand’alor’s household! It has just been revealed that the future alor’riduur is Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi Knight. It turns out the little green creature reported in previous issues of this magazine may have only been a scout!

Kenobi, who appeared with Jango Fett to meet the press today, does not appear to be of the same species as the Farmland Goblin, as some have begun to call the intruder. He’s tall, humanoid, and-- yes-- handsome. Based only on looks, it’s easy to see why our Mand’alor likes him. They seem happy together, as well: they held hands for the whole press conference, and we were treated to a kiss at the end. Although Kenobi wore no armor and carried only his saber, Jango Fett assured us that he’s having a set of armor fitted, and that he’s well-trained on a blaster. If you can get him to carry it, that is! 

Although many of us have had doubts about the Jedi in the past, this particular Jedi is educated on our ways. According to documents put out by the office of the Mand’alor, he spent over a year on Manda’yaim itself, and he showed us today that he was fluent in our language. But it’s the holos of his fighting we were shown that convinced me in the end. In the opinion of this writer, Kenobi fights with the same spirit and drive we look for in all those we adopt into our culture. And considering the alliance with the Jedi he’s offering, how could we not give him a chance?

  
  


* * *

**heTUURam**

**We asked a body language expert about THAT couple and here’s what he said**

Itzalgess Swerk has been analyzing body language for fifty years, and he knows that what isn’t said is often just as important as what is. Here are a few things he noticed watching Jango Fett and Obi-Wan Kenobi interact today. 

  * **They're constantly in contact**



The hand holding might just be the honeymoon phase… but it’s more likely a choice to show a united front. They want to show the people that they aren’t fighting, and that they’re in love. This is a pretty classic move on the part of a PR representative. They want us to get excited about the handholding and forget to look any deeper.

  * **Kenobi doesn't like his new armor**



Did you see how often Obi-Wan touched his chest-plate? He’s definitely not used to wearing armor, and he isn’t comfortable in it either. I think it’s a fashion choice that was made for him today, not something he would have picked.

  * **...but someone else loves it**



Jango Fett, on the other hand, seems to like Kenobi in armor. We all saw that little smile, but did you see how his mouth tightened just slightly when his fiancé admitted he’d refused to wear leg armor? That’s a definite giveaway that he’d rather have seen it on.

  * **Spontaneous displays of affection**



That kiss at the end wasn’t planned. Kenobi initiated it before the Mand’alor was really finished speaking, and the look in his eyes really made me think he just couldn’t hold back any longer. Cute! Also, Fett’s super-positive response to the surprise (lifting him off his feet was so romantic!) is a sign that they really are in love.

  * **Will someone let us in on the joke?**



Jango Fett’s captain of the guard clearly thinks something is really funny. Most of the cameras didn’t focus on his face when Obi-Wan leaned down for a kiss, but he was definitely holding in laughter.

Although there were definitely moments with real chemistry and affection in that press conference, it was also clearly heavily rehearsed, at least for Obi-Wan. Someone's clearly been drilling him on his answers to our questions, and the more I look the more I doubt that holding hands was a natural choice. But then, what political couple isn't putting on a front? I think it will be very interesting to see how their public relationship develops. After all, if they're faking it, they can't keep it up forever.

**Read more**

Six of the most phallic blasters on the market 

_Make beating off your enemies a little bit easier._

Painting for Power 

_Six armor decoration tips all sex symbols know._


	8. Chapter 8

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**Jango Fett and Obi-Wan Kenobi married on Concord Dawn**

_ The Mand’alor’s father officiated a boisterous but moving ceremony. _

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

At 1800 hours today, a crowd of around two hundred gathered in the garden outside the palace of Concord Dawn to witness an emotional occasion. Jango looked handsome in his traditional beskar armor as he stood in front of the gathering of his warriors, and Obi-Wan wore beskar vambraces with a more formal version of the standard Jedi robes. He had been expected to include further upper-body armor in his wedding look, but this unexpected difference was never addressed.

Both grooms were walked down the aisle by close friends. Jango’s captain of the guard, Myles, accompanied him to the altar, and Obi-Wan was joined by his padawan Anakin Skywalker and grandpadawan Ahsoka Tano, both of whom were well-dressed and reportedly ordered to behave themselves.

The Mando’a vows were conducted by Jaster Mereel, the Mand’alor’s father, and a second set in Basic was led by Grandmaster Yoda of the Jedi Order. Even though I couldn’t understand half of it, it was hard to miss the romantic mood: the happy couple didn’t break eye contact through the whole ceremony. I spotted more than a few streaming eyes among the attendees, and if I had mammalian tear ducts I’m sure I would have joined them.

**Related:** Why the expression “Trandoshan tears” is problematic

_We don’t cry because we’re sad, but that doesn’t mean we’re being deceitful._

After the ceremony, all the guests moved to a large hall within the palace. A shockingly boisterous celebration followed, with as much drinking and dancing as you’d find in any Coruscanti nightclub. Even if it wasn’t exactly the beautiful, dignified reception my Coruscanti readers may be imagining, the joy was infectious. I doubt any attendees will soon forget the experience!

Click  here to watch a recording of the ceremony.

**Top Comment**

Lindavasssk: Watched your recording-- what happened? Answer your damn comm, darling.

* * *

**heTUURam**

**Six wedding moments we don’t think the Mand’alor planned for**

It’s not a Mandalorian wedding without a few mishaps. In fact, it’s often considered a very bad omen for the relationship if the wedding goes just like you planned it. With that in mind, we’re hoping the Mand’alor won’t be too upset we’re pointing out our favorite moments of chaos on his special day.

  * **Closet creeper**



A tall, mysterious hooded figure was seen stealing out of a cloakroom after the ceremony. His identity hasn’t been confirmed, but according to the guard he was not an invited guest of the happy couple. Something about him seemed to distract Obi-Wan’s older relative, Grandmaster Yoda, although he insisted he had no inside knowledge of the incident.

  * **WHO did the Dha Werda Verda?**



As at many Mandalorian weddings, a demonstration of the Dha Werda Verda was put on by younger warriors. This highly acrobatic dance, set to an ancient war chant, is no easy feat: if you aren’t perfectly on time, you risk serious injury, and even done perfectly every performer sustains a long series of heavy blows. Everyone was a little worried when Grandmaster Yoda, the tiny, elderly creature who’s been plaguing Concord Dawn’s countryside, unexpectedly joined. But even if he sometimes needed to jump and use his walking stick to land a hit, he kept up better than anyone expected!

  * **Someone let the kid drink too much**



Just two hours into the celebrations, the Togruta girl who was a member of Obi-Wan’s wedding party was asleep on the table. We’re not sure who was supposed to be on Padawan-watching duty, but whoever it was apparently failed to notice her getting a little too deep in her cups!

  * **Who’s the best best man?**



Later in the night, a brawl broke out between Myles and Anakin, the grooms’ friends. While the fight lasted less than a minute, it did manage to shatter nearly thirty pint glasses.. Mandalorian readers will be pleased to know the Jedi lost decisively.

  * **The groom got undressed a little early**



Maybe he was just a little tipsy? The new alor’riduur realized toward the end of the reception that he’d managed to misplace his robe. It was never found, but he seemed happy enough to finish out the evening in his undershirts.

  * **The abandoned tail**



At the end of the night, a large tail apparently belonging to a reptilian species was left behind the bar. Many reptilians drop their tails as a startle response, although warriors and hunters usually remove theirs on purpose: this keeps them from showing fear, and makes it easier to armor themselves. So far, it hasn’t been claimed.

**Read more**

Why healing crystals aren’t just “witchy nonsense”

_ Apparently even the new alor’riduur knows this! _

How to look good in brown robes

_ Here are some icons proving it’s possible to make plain brown robes stylish. Take notes, Kenobi. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Coruscanti Buzz**

**He’s Obi-Wan…. Or is he Obi-Two?**

_ Startling evidence suggests the Mand’alor’s spouse might not be his first love.  _

Css Vasssk for Coruscanti Buzz

Mand’alor Jango Fett and his husband Obi-Wan Kenobi arrived on Coruscant for the first of their semi-regular visits to the Jedi Temple. But they didn’t come alone! Obi-Wan was holding a child’s hand as they disembarked the Mand’alor’s small ship.

The child’s identity is still unknown, but it would be hard to miss the strong resemblance to Jango Fett. That implies he isn’t adopted (this is common practice among Mandalorians), but he’s certainly no newborn. That’s right: Jango Fett must have a child from a previous relationship! It certainly is scandal season. In case you’ve missed them, here are two of my favorite breaking stories:

Faithless on Fedalle

_ Ki-Adi-Mundi caught vacationing with a surprise fifth wife?! _

Come back when you’ve cooled down

_ Padmé Amidala boots ex-lover Clovis Rush, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker out of birthday celebrations. _

Obi-Wan, showing forgiveness characteristic of the Jedi, seemed affectionate with the mysterious youngling. He appeared to be listening to the child’s conversation as they arrived, and the child turned to him rather than its father to be carried up the stairs out of the hangar bay.

The unidentified child shows no obvious signs of being any other species than Human, and I could spot no clues to the identity of its other parent. But it can’t be Obi-Wan: the timelines just don’t line up! There have been rumors of the Mand’alor’s past dalliances with certain of his warriors, but there have never even been speculations about a resulting baby!

There hasn’t been a statement about this from the office of the Mand’alor, but I think this might tragically lower the chances of some kind of spectacular maternity photoshoot any time soon (click  here to see our best celebration ideas for your upcoming birth, hatching, or binary fission). Tragic. Still, if there are any official updates, my readers can expect to get them first!

**Read more**

Remembering Chancellor Palpatine

_ I mean, he was okay, I guess. _

[ Dear Drei ](https://helixae.tumblr.com/post/639864263168737280/todays-dear-drei)

_ I’ve got a friend who needs a good talking-to. _

Are breasts the best?

_ Why so many non-mammalian women are getting implants, and it needs to stop. _

* * *

**Oya! Magazine**

**News in Brief**

Today Boba Fett, heir to the Mand’alor, joined his father and the alor’riduur on an official trip to Coruscant. Jango Fett, like most Mandalorians in the public eye, has implemented and enforced a complete ban on unsanctioned discussion of his son in the Mandalorian media. All articles mentioning the alor’ad are checked and approved by the office of the Mand’alor before publication.

Today’s journey is the first official news we’ve had of the Mand’alor’s son since a press release two tendays ago informed reporters that the new alor’riduur had said his adoption vows and that the new family was settling in well with one another. An accompanying holo showed the child with his buir’e. 

* * *

**heTUURam**

Once you’ve said the riduurok, you’ve locked down your other half. But how do you make sure the marriage stays happy? Here are four tips from our married contributors to make sure your union lasts a long time to come.

  * **Maintain your own interests**



Marriage doesn’t mean sharing  _ everything _ . It’s important to let your spouse have their own successes-- you don’t need to be among their soldiers every time, as long as you’re there to congratulate them after the battle.

  * **Make time for romance**



It’s the little things that count, isn’t it? And any moment can be romantic if you show you were thinking of that special someone. My partner loves to hear me say “I saw this and thought of you.” Whether I’m offering them a wildflower or the heads of their enemies, it never fails to set the mood.

  * **Watch their six no matter what**



Even in the best marriages, nobody agrees all the time. It’s important to keep perspective: no matter how bad that argument is, your spouse needs to be able to count on you. There’s a time and place for revenge, and it’s never on the battlefield. No matter how petty you might feel.

  * **Never commit your family’s fighting forces to a cause without talking first**



This also goes for large purchases. Remember you’re part of a household now!

**Read more**

Be Your Best Boss

_ A very famous pirate talks about why his crew is so loyal to him (it’s all about the dental plan). _

Tusken Talk

_ Learn to speak Tatooine sign language! Amaze your friends, avoid a messy death! Get a discount with code: MANDO _

Nite Owls lay it all bare!

_ And by ‘it,’ we mean corruption in the Sundari Prime Minister’s office. Removing your armor while you’re taking captives is impractical. _


End file.
